moving out

Fifty days ago, at the age of 41, I made the courageous decision to leave my family home, escaping a life that had been marred by years of emotional and physical abuse. The toxic relationships with my father and sister had grown unbearable, suffocating my spirit and eroding my self-worth. The choice to walk away, to seek solace and healing, was not easy—yet it was necessary.

The bond I share with my mother made this decision all the more heart-wrenching. She and I were each other’s refuge, the only sources of emotional support in a household fraught with turmoil. Whenever she pointed out the injustices, the cruelty, or the constant wrongdoings, my father and sister would shift the blame onto me. They held me responsible for their misery, unsure of how to rid themselves of me, while I, in turn, was at a loss as to how to earn their love.

For years, I wrestled with feelings of responsibility, guilt, and a deep-seated fear of the unknown. I questioned whether I had the strength to pursue my own happiness. But as the days blurred into nights, and the pattern of abuse remained unbroken, I realized that my mental and physical health was worth the fight.

The first 20 or 30 days were fraught with difficulty and challenge. Doubt and vulnerability haunted me, casting long shadows over my newfound freedom. When my boss Sadaf asked me, two weeks after I moved out, “How are you feeling? Does it feel like home here?” I could only respond, “I’m not sure how I feel.” One sleepless night, I found myself standing on the balcony, gazing at the tiny half-moon in a starless sky, at the neighboring houses, the darkened windows, the empty streets, and the lonely lampposts. In that stillness, I asked myself, “How do you feel, Rajib?” And suddenly, I was overcome with sobs, like a child lost and yearning for something elusive. There was a gaping wound in my heart, one I had no idea how to heal. It felt as if a part of me had died, a part I might never be able to revive.

Yet, slowly, I began to understand that my true home lies within myself. I realized that to thrive, to truly flourish, I needed to create an environment free from negativity and toxicity. I had to rebuild my life on my own terms, refusing to let the scars of the past define me or dictate my future. This was my chance to rediscover my passions, to nurture my dreams, and to surround myself with people who would empower and inspire me.

As I sit here now, reflecting on the years that have led me to this moment, I am overwhelmed by a torrent of emotions. There is regret for the connections I’ve missed with loved ones, even though I still see my parents every other day. But there is also a flicker of excitement about the future and a newfound sense of independence.

If you or someone you know is going through something similar, know that you are not alone. Reach out to those you trust—friends, family, professionals—and seek the help you need. You deserve happiness, and you deserve a life free from abuse and negativity. Be resolute in your pursuit of a life filled with love, joy, and the peace we all yearn for.

June 8th, 2023